Hello. I have been away so long. In the 12 years that I have been working in this business, I have never been absent like this. The movie has taken over every aspect of my life. It's a bit like the house from The Shining, and seems to have a mind of it's own. I hope that my absence is understandable. The past couple of years have absolutely been the most trying times of my life, and can see that I'm not alone in that. A lot has happened, and I can't get into everything now. I just want to say I'm still alive and surviving. feel strong in my core. 'm grateful for the chance to test my strength and perseverance. I'm grateful for the hardships for the wisdom that I've gained. Things are coming together through it all. I think of it all as the cocoon phase and the butterfly gives me hope.
One of the stars of the movie passed away in September, and I am honestly conflicted about it on so many levels. I'm not sure what to say about it.She was a friend of mine more than a model, and I just don't know how to handle it on a personal or professional level. It was a hard blow to me and anyone that knew her. I think... Some people you meet and they shine. There's just that. And everyone that knew her knows this. It's one of those lights that you don't expect to ever go out. I guess this paragraph is the closest I've come to dealing with it outside of my mind and conversations with a few mutual friends. She visited me in a dream and had a lot of things to say, and that helped me understand some things better. It's been a couple of months now, and I guess time has equipped me with the energy to to face it a little better. I don't know what else I can say at this time, as I'm slightly aware that this blog is not a therapist. Good memories seem to make me feel a bit of guilt at times, for it's hard to separate that happiness from the tragedy of the situation. I don't know. Let your thoughts land on the light. This is a very difficult realm to navigate. That's enough for now... don't know. I don't even know how I feel about putting my sentiments for a person on the internet.
The movie... I don't know what the world will think of it. I just know that it's my soul and psyche exposed . I don't even know that there is a separation between the movie and myself anymore. I was living in the set for so long, and although I have moved back to civilization, I am still living in that world. The death of dreams, relationships and a person. I hope that people can feel the amount of love, pain, energy, and loss that went into it. I've been living in this pain and fear frequency for a long time. I'll come out of it on top. A lot to say ... I'm not feeling so expressive tonight but wanted to get on and say hello. Let you know I'm alive and deep in the lab. When everything is complete, I will be back with full vigor and make up for lost time. Everything that seemed cumbersome or difficult before has become something I look forward to doing again in the future.