As I mentioned before, I have decided to go bring back some of my older entries from the nerve years. I figure It's better than watching them gather dust in a far off corner of the internet, and since I'm in the middle of making a movie there's no better time than now.
So Reviewer Rob from San Diego gave Apnea and I a grip of porno movies when we were getting interviewed by him down in San Diego. I told him that I probably wouldn't be the best person for this job... I'm assuming that companies give these to the media in hopes of selling copies of them, but I have to tell it like I see it. At the time all I could see was a crate of free porn, so it seemed a worthwhile trade... months later we're sitting in front of a 60 inch plasma TV scaring the neighbors with two hours of this shit on surround sound with more bass than a Master P special edition Hummer.
Okay so the movie is called "Anally Yours, Rebecca Linares"
Menu Page
Chase : "What do you think of this music?"
Apnea : "It's fine for a porn."
C : "Is this like the music you danced to in your rave days?"
A : "Yep. Just like this. I might have this on vinyl."
Opening Credits/Intro. Dance music comes on. Sounds like it would be the Brazilian Olympic Haircutting team's anthem.
A : "Her makeup looks good... I'm surprised that the production quality for this video is this terrible. I would expect more from Hustler."
C : "Have you seen a lot of Hustler movies?"
A : "This is my first one." (laughter)
The intro keeps playing while I try to take notes.
It's the first time I've ever watched a porn with a pen and paper.
A : "That's disgusting." I look up to see a big razor burned coastal highway-sized vagina, hand in hand with a huge asshole that is pouring out cum.
Scene one : Some jail cell.
A : "Christ, I think I've been on that set before....Hey...have you ever seen a jail cell with a bare mattress on the floor like that?"
C : "No."
A : "We've been in jail. You know that's not what it's like. And she's not dressed appropriately at all."
C : "Ya, this girl is dressed like she works at Spencers but shoplifts from Hot Topic."
A : "Her makeup looks good."
C : "They matched it to the colors of those rings she stole from Claire's."
A : "The girl holding the camera sounds so familiar. That sounds just like Nikki Hunter."
C : "All porn people sound like that." So basically for awhile this girl is sitting around in jail being harassed by the female camera operator until this man with an erection comes running out of nowhere.
A : "Where did that dick come from?" Then there's just a bunch of this camera woman ordering this girl to "suck dick" and "bob on that cock" and "suck those balls" and initiating great dialog such as :
Camera woman : "What does that dick taste like?"
Jail Hooker : "It tastes so good!"
Camera woman : "Ya? You're so wrong..."
I'm not watching as I scramble to write this, so I ask Apnea what's going on.
A : "She's sucking a lot of dick and balls and getting her plastic jewelry caught in her labia." Suddenly, the girl from behind the camera gets into the scene.
A : "Holy shit! That really is Nikki! I knew it!" So this whole thing is just getting weird now.
Fast forward. Scene Two.
C : "Are you kidding me? This girl's underwear looks like the underwear they must have been wearing under those costumes in Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video."
She's wearing a pink vinyl, spike-belt underwear atrocity. The male actor comes out and I gasp.
A : "Oh my God I'm going to vomit...What's that tattoo? Is that a zebra? I think that's the Fisher Price zebra."
Then he puts it in her mouth. Then he puts it in her pussy. Then he puts it in her butt. There's some gasping, moaning, and gaping. There's always a dick going out of one thing and into another.
A : "What did she just say?"
C : "She said, 'I want one for Christmas.'"
A : "One what?"
C : "I think she wants a 'dick in her ass'...cause...she said it once he put his dick in her ass. I don't think this girl speaks a lot of English."
A : "This is so boring."
C : "This girl kinda cracks me up. And this dude breathes just like Darth Vadar." A : "I don't like this guy at all."
C : "This guy has huge loads. Like, Death Star sized loads."
The rest of the movie is a bunch of girls and guys "doing it" in all sorts of ways. There's a bunch of cum and weird shit and people saying things they might not mean. There's even a scene called "Milk My Ass" which I opted to skip due to my serious dislike of milk. Apnea puts it on anyway, and I start to gag, but only from her outfit and see-thru bluish-white skin. Her outfit is seriously disgusting. It looks like a...a...like a hooker and a six year old Madonna fan both got into that device that fused that dude and a fly together in 'The Fly' resulting in some sort of sickening see-thru fiendish porno ghoul...60 inches across the screen...all veiny and Glacier-like, with various sizes and colors of fishnets and plaids. The sight alone could sink the Titanic.
C : "They should have called this scene 'Tan My Ass, Please. No, Seriously, My See-Thru Blue Skin is Disgusting'."
A : "It must have been slim-pickens in wardrobe that day."
C : "This scene makes my genitals shrink. Like skinny dipping in the cold."
A : "She'd be cute if she wasn't wearing clown clothes. Black fence net thigh-highs? A blue fishnet shirt? A plaid skirt with red garter straps that never connect to the stockings? Unacceptable."
The scene ends with an anal cream pie...oh right..."Milk my Ass"...I get it.
